Xin and Helen in Hawaii in 1993

I had always been searching for the meaning of my existence and asked why I came to the world. I found my answer when I became a mother. Since then, my life has turned to meaningful and colorful and the absurdities of the world has become cheerful and made senses.

I have never, never regretted having a child no matter what hardship I have come across. I feel that a woman’s life is not complete without a child.

Now when I look back at the process of my daughter’s growing up, it seems to me that I am looking at an impressionist picture; all the hardships are faded into the background and all the joy and happiness are the highlights which form the vivid images, fuzzy but beautiful. In the picture I have a faithful friend, my daughter, playing with me. In the picture, my happiness is to make my loved one happy. I patiently used blocks to make different objects only to win her a laugh by dismantling them in a second. I started to teach her to learn Chinese when she was only two. We searched for some little shining agate pebbles on sand hills and were overjoyed when we found one. We watched our hen hatch little chickens. We walked in the rain forests and tried to name the exotic tropic flowers and plants. We collected the colorful feathers of tropical birds from the zoo and put them in a notebook. We worked together on school projects—one calendar of different churches and one house with 5 gables.

The thing I did the most was to feed her with all kinds of food. I loved to watch her pretend to be a little tiger that would open its mouth wide and swallow the delicious food in a giant bite that stuffed her mouth. At that moment, I did not know who made whom happy. I think we were happy together and I loved the moment, although I regretted the little tiger’s table manner a little bit later, because in the real world where culture not nature rules, a girl should have “lady-like” manners. However, the little tiger’s appetite was always the greatest compliment to the food we cooked. I loved to hear her say “smell sooo good! (Zhen Xiang A)” with her eyes closed, intoxicated by the food.

Maybe the eternal parental love for a child is embedded in our DNA; I should not boast much for myself or claim that my love for my child is extraordinarily deep and sublime. All I can tell is that my love for that tiny life was so strong that it pushed me to transcend my surroundings and lead me from one new world to another. Several times I moved forward by burning the bridges behind me, all because I did not want my daughter to be stuck in a small city in China and live the same boring life all her life. Now the results are not so important anymore, and the most valuable thing is that we have fully lived our lives when we are together. Along with our adventures, I have watched her grow up from a little silly duckling into an intelligent swan who knows her directions and witnessed her transform from an ugly caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly who is full of confidence. She has her own wings to fly now. I could not ask for more.